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Posting your gold through the post. Who would have thought that the global recession would see these companies spring up out of the woodwork? Making money from the mountains of shit jewellery you have stuffed into an 80s-style miniature cabinet thing. Brilliant. However, this market has become so over-expanded, it’s putting burger-eating, pickup truck-driving, sister-shagging Texans to shame. And as such, companies are rushing out hideous attempts at adverts. This one though, is reaching a whole new low:
I appreciate that this is probably done tongue-in-cheek, but in a way that completely makes a mockery out of the whole industry (which again may be the point). The brashness in which the advert clearly is targeted at bored housewives frigging themselves stupid while watching Jeremy Kyle bitch-slap a chav is bordering on pornographic. The oiled-up chunks of cured stringy meat they dress up in gold spangly waiter outfits that wouldn’t look out of place in an off-Strip Vegas gay brothel are simply offensive. These guys look like they are wearing body suits and even if they are not, just look at their faces!? You can see the years of having their uvulas pounded by black cocks in bargain-bin gay porno movies etched all over their faces. The He-Man look-a-like is particularly ghoulish. Has he got lost on his way back from working in the carnival on Balsall Common? Does he have a day job as the waxwork exhibitions at the London Dungeon? Or maybe he occupies the Tuesday morning shift at the Vauxhall Tavern? And don’t even get me started on the token black one they needed in order to pass diversity in advertising laws.
I would take a punt and say that the majority of people who have seen this ad have not thought; “You know what? There are so many of these cash4gold, postal gold, postyourgold, goldgoldgoldcashgold, cut off my ears and send them in for £7 adverts on TV, but this one, THIS ONE, really makes me want to use them”. If anything, I would say that it turns people off, I would hope anyway. So what is the fucking point? Is the market so saturated that these companies can afford to waste money producing this homo-erotic guff for a tiny slice of the piddly amounts of money that they can make? If the answer is yes, then we really are in a whole world of shit. Shit, with a gold lacquer, but still shit.
