You are currently browsing the category archive for the ‘Bank adverts’ category.
The Matrix sequels. Robbie Savage. Granny porn. Just a few things that are wrong with the world. You can add bank adverts to that list. No, actually make that just NatWest adverts (Halifax ads belong in a whole category of their own). This one is particular gauling:
Helpful Banking for ..Aside from the piss-poor attempts at faux-realism acting, the whole narrative of “oh look at us, our banking really works because we can show you a before and after” makes me want to go into town to the local NatWest office and shit on each of the counters in turn, and mash it through the speak holes in the glass with those stupid chained pens.
The last ‘scene’ is particularly transparent. Look at the two of them! It’s 3 months on and look how different they are! The customer (who, incidentally looks like he’s been plucked straight out of the pile of rejected Hollyoaks actors in the Channel 4 dumpster bins) has longer hair! So too does the bank staff guy (who, incidentally looks like he squats in the bushes outside primary schools with his fingers up his anus). It’s as if the ad people are treating its viewers as retards who won’t be able to realise that its a bit later on unless everyone’s hair has grown and updated their shit ASDA own-brand clothing. Oh, and if that guy thinks that a Mini Cooper is a sports car, or indeed a car that any man should be seen driving, then no wonder his ‘girlfriend’ didn’t accept his proposal. She clearly never existed as he’s obviously a crafty butcher (takes his meat round the back….)
So yet another bank advert getting on my wick. Hardly surprising you might say, but this one is particularly and utterly whack. I’ll let you judge for yourself. Here it is. Now I’ll wait a second to let you digest that (that is, if it is your normal custom to indulge in coprophagia).
Where to start? Well, first off, I like to say a big well done to Halifax for taking heed of a previous post, and using ‘normal’ looking people (re fugly bastards). However, this is where the kudos for this festering pile of dead animals end (if indeed I was being serious with that ‘well done’ which I wasn’t). First of all, £5 per £1000 is a rate of 0.05%, which is utter insulting at the best of times, but celebrating it is like Halifax pissing in your face and then smearing the knob cheese all over your nose. Then, there’s the RIDICULOUS dialogue. “I’m calling from space, so it’ the highest 5 ever”. Shut up you fucking fuck. Take that bin off your head and insert it in your balloon knot. Third, the use of ‘Gold’ by Spandeau Ballet. Gold? Oh, because it’s to do with money and wealth! Of course! And because it’s like a gift from you to us! Oh of course, yes! How clever! Not only has that song been flogged to death like a crack whore at one of Max Mosley’s ‘get togethers’, but it is a shit song too. That’s not opinion that is musical FACT. Fourth (bored yet?), the campness at which people go around high-fiving each other is tantamount to being criminally immoral. It looks like they redirected a sunshine happy special bus into the studio, slapped suits on each of them, and told them the first person to clap properly gets a lollipop, and then started filming.
Banks need to stop trying to get across the fact that they are there to help us. NatWest and Halifax are probably the worst culprits at this. Banks are institutions that are founded, run and managed by the bastard offspring of Lucipher himself, and they will always try to squirm into our consciousness by dressing up like one of us. Beware, they are ALL EVIL. All of them. You have been warned!
Advertising slogans. Why do companies think they need them? Do they think that we’ll remember them more? And putting them to stupid jingles as well!?? Stop it! Now! Here are some of the truly despicable and downright shit ones….
1. McDonalds – ‘I’m Lovin’ it’. Loving what? Stuffing your face with a years supply of salt in one go, with enough saturated fats to bring down Godzilla? Yeah, I fucking love doing that I do.
2. Red Bull – ‘Gives you wings’. No, it gives you epilepsy.
3. Argos – ‘Don’t shop for it, Argos it’. You mean, don’t bother going down to a normal shop and buying something that you can touch before hand. Instead, why don’t you find something out of a shitty catalogue, do the stock check yourself, go to one till, then to another, wait for fucking ages with toothless teenagers and ranting geriatrics and get something that falls apart in 5 minutes. Yeah, I’ll do that. See Michael McIntyre’s take on them – brilliant.
4. Vodafone – ‘Make the most of now’. Translates as “don’t bother using any common sense, just do it NOW! Fuck the consequences, spend money NOW! Get on your phone NOW!!”
5. Moet Champagne – ‘Be Fabulous’. Drink our champagne and feel like a celebrity! You’ll look ever so sexy and cool and guys will luuurve you. And then take advantage of you. Then do you like a tramp in the back alley.
6. Tesco – ‘Every little helps’. That’s right, keep spending your money at our stores. Every little pound you spend takes us closer to world domination. MWAHAHAHAAAA! (Time Trumpet’s take on this is superb).
7. Ninetendo DS – ‘Touching is Good‘. Er… are you sure…..?
8. Stella Artois – ‘Reassuringly expensive’ – Bollocks. I saw 6 bottles for £1 for sale down CostMart.
9. Always – ‘Have a happy period’. Seriously? The second biggest oxymoron is history. The first is ‘The Best of Boy George’.
10. The worst one ever: Zurich – ‘Because change happenz‘. I don’t even know where to begin with this one. Forget the crappy z at the end which is the most puerile and pathetic attempt at association and belongs in the exercise book of a 7-year-old’s ‘my first branding’ project; but ‘change happens’?? Are you shitting me? What else is it going to do? Everything ‘happens’ doesn’t it? They might of well just said ‘nothing is nothing’, or ‘do do do, da da da’ or some other tautology of equal nonsense. Whoever thought of that line was either high as a Dutch bellringer or as stupid as Forest Gump and Paris Hilton’s love child.
Any others which I’ve missed which also deserve to be ousted?
I hate banks. Not only are they responsible for the entire global recession, the reason why war happens and probably why it hurts when I shit, but they try and make out they look after you and care about your needs as a human being. Bollocks. Banks, like every other company selling a product or service see you as one of those comedy walking pound signs with legs and arms. If it’s not commercially viable to do it, then they won’t, its as simple as that. So, they will never go out of there way to help you out or give you money if there is nothing in it for them.
Have you seen those ‘Money Sense’ adverts on TV? Those vomit-inducing, pieces emotive propaganda may make you want to pick up your computer monitor/laptop and set it on fire, but bare with it. Just remember that they’re all actors (noone is allowed to appear in an advert without an EQUITY licence so you MUST be a registered actor – for ANY advert)…
What the hell has salsa dancing got to with my banking situation!? Anyway, I digress….
The point of this advert is to make you think that by going to Natwest you are going to get a warm fuzzy feeling inside, that you’re loved and they want the best for you – free, impartial advice. WRONG. Not only are the bank being investigated by Ofcom for breach of advertising rules, the AIM have accused them of false advertising. The Times has also exposed these troglodytes for what they are – pushy sales people trying to flog their products, and using people’s insecure financial situation as a club to beat as much pounds, shillings and pence as they can out of you before their bosses, RBS go under because the fatcats in the City have been gambling away the nations money like a Premiership footballer on speed. And then they have the temerity to dress it up as ‘real people’ talking about ‘real issues’, with smiling bimbos and pimple-faced Hull Polytechnic sociology graduates (who only got a 2:2) telling us that you’re fat enough not to by food for a week, or you could probably go witout heating for this winter if you just grew a pair. Well fuck off Natwest/RBS, you Leviathanical gobshites.
But its OK, Halifax are here to save the day. They’ll give you a £5 every month if you bank with them. Not only that, they’ll deliver it to you by forming a human pyramid. Wow. That’s sooooo good of you. A whole £5?? Ah, but I have to have £1000 or more in there? And put in £1500 every month? So basically you’re just paying me a LOWER rate of interest and disguising it as a free gift. Well gee Halifax, I think I might just pass if it’s all the same to you.
Don’t be fooled by banks trying to be good to you, its not in their DNA. The only people they will EVER let you speak to are the drones that walk around in LED-lit bank forecourts smiling at you as you walk in the door saying “can I help you?” but really don’t know anything; or telemarketers who sit in a call-centre in Timbuktu and read off a script calling you mister Smi-tee, “oh, you mean Mr. Smith?”; or if you’re really really lucky or complain enough, they’ll let you speak to a floor/account/fuck-all manager who gives the air of authority by having a basic grasp of the English language, but still tells you pretty much the same shit you’ve been hearing all fucking year. But this time, rather than singing at you from a surfboard or atop of rooftop, they’ll “tell it like it is”. Well next time they do, try and find that button on the remote that goes lower than mute.
