Just in case you don’t notice the passing of time

The Matrix sequels. Robbie Savage. Granny porn. Just a few things that are wrong with the world. You can add bank adverts to that list. No, actually make that just NatWest adverts (Halifax ads belong in a whole category of their own). This one is particular gauling:

Helpful Banking for ..
Watch the ad…

Aside from the piss-poor attempts at faux-realism acting, the whole narrative of “oh look at us, our banking really works because we can show you a before and after” makes me want to go into town to the local NatWest office and shit on each of the counters in turn, and mash it through the speak holes in the glass with those stupid chained pens.

The last ’scene’ is particularly transparent. Look at the two of them! It’s 3 months on and look how different they are! The customer (who, incidentally looks like he’s been plucked straight out of the pile of rejected Hollyoaks actors in the Channel 4 dumpster bins) has longer hair! So too does the bank staff guy (who, incidentally looks like he squats in the bushes outside primary schools with his fingers up his anus). It’s as if the ad people are treating its viewers as retards who won’t be able to realise that its a bit later on unless everyone’s hair has grown and updated their shit ASDA own-brand clothing. Oh, and if that guy thinks that a Mini Cooper is a sports car, or indeed a car that any man should be seen driving, then no wonder his ‘girlfriend’ didn’t accept his proposal. She clearly never existed as he’s obviously a crafty butcher (takes his meat round the back….)

He-Man’s latest TV job – how the mighty have fallen…

Posting your gold through the post. Who would have thought that the global recession would see these companies spring up out of the woodwork? Making money from the mountains of shit jewellery you have stuffed into an 80s-style miniature cabinet thing. Brilliant. However, this market has become so over-expanded, it’s putting burger-eating, pickup truck-driving, sister-shagging Texans to shame. And as such, companies are rushing out hideous attempts at adverts. This one though, is reaching a whole new low:

I appreciate that this is probably done tongue-in-cheek, but in a way that completely makes a mockery out of the whole industry (which again may be the point). The brashness in which the advert clearly is targeted at bored housewives frigging themselves stupid while watching Jeremy Kyle bitch-slap a chav is bordering on pornographic. The oiled-up chunks of cured stringy meat they dress up in gold spangly waiter outfits that wouldn’t look out of place in an off-Strip Vegas gay brothel are simply offensive. These guys look like they are wearing body suits and even if they are not, just look at their faces!? You can see the years of having their uvulas  pounded by black cocks in bargain-bin gay porno movies etched all over their faces. The He-Man look-a-like is particularly ghoulish. Has he got lost on his way back from working in the carnival on Balsall Common? Does he have a day job as the waxwork exhibitions at the London Dungeon?  Or maybe he occupies the Tuesday morning shift at the Vauxhall Tavern? And don’t even get me started on the token black one they needed in order to pass diversity in advertising laws.

I would take a punt and say that the majority of people who have seen this ad have not thought; “You know what? There are so many of these cash4gold, postal gold, postyourgold, goldgoldgoldcashgold, cut off my ears and send them in for £7 adverts on TV, but this one, THIS ONE, really makes me want to use them”. If anything, I would say that it turns people off, I would hope anyway. So what is the fucking point? Is the market so saturated that these companies can afford to waste money producing this homo-erotic guff for a tiny slice of the piddly amounts of money that they can make? If the answer is yes, then we really are in a whole world of shit. Shit, with a gold lacquer, but still shit.

Women who piss themselves

I was watching TV the other day, quietly sipping away on a coffee when I saw this:

Odour Free Salsa
Watch the ad…

10 seconds in and I’m spitting my coffee out like someone who’s just told the price of a latte at Waterloo station and then kicked in the knackers. The pure sincerity with which the line “occasional bladder weakness” is delivered has a comedic timing that wouldn’t be out of place in an Edinburgh fringe show involving Phileas Fogg, Jack Bauer and the Japanese rail system.

Women with bladder weakness have sexy smouldering eyes! They can do really cool things like Salsa dancing! Look how cool they are!? And no yellow liquid dribbling down their legs forming a slip-hazard of a warm puddle of piss around her ankles at all! Fuck off. I don’t even want to know that there is such a thing as bladder weakness, let alone be advertised a product to help women with it!! That sort of thing belongs in the doctors surgery, not a TV ad. If you must thrust this disgusting image of crusty old women unable to stop their underwear from sliding down there legs laden with the weight of gallons of piss, then what about the men? Does bladder weakness only effect women? I’m no doctor (you’ll be shocked to hear) but surely this is a problem that men have? Where’s the Tena bell-end shower cap? Or a thimble-shaped plastic container that fits snugly over the helmet, with a makeshift colostomy bag stapled to the scrotum? Given the male obsession with all things flashy and gagdety, they could even add some sound-effects when the act of pissing is taking place. Something like “weeeeeeeee!” or something like this? The possibilities are endless!

Why not? Because it’s not real maybe?

Now, given the fact that I can tilt my head back to look at the ceiling, I don’t get confused by L-shaped sofas, and I have near perfect control of my bowels*, I have no desire to go on a cruise. But, if I did want to spend 4 months walking round in circles, talking shit to people who I would normally cross the road if I saw them coming and plucking out my own pubes through boredom, then I certainly would NOT go with Royal Caribbean Cruises, given their advert:

I’m sure they are a reputable cruise company, but this advert looks like some snot-faced 10-year old kid rustled this together using Windows Paint and a Fisher Price My-First-Video-Editing-Suite. The CGI is fucking terrible. I’m sure with the amount of money they spent on making this humping piece of badger-snot they could have given a camera to a staff member, told them to shoot the odd floosy sloshing around in the pool, some bloke climbing a 4 foot wall, and a fat bloke spitting out a salty brine while spread eagled on his back. That would have looked A LOT better than what is currently on offer. The CGI is crap, the music sounds like it was bashed out on a 1980s mini Casio 3-octave keyboard and the bloke who does the voice over sounds like he’s got a gun held to his head and told to sound sincere, or his wife and kids will be delivered to him in a collection of brown paper bags.

Unless of course, cruises aren’t ANYTHING LIKE what they’re showing in the advert. Maybe they’ve CGIed in good-looking people having lots of fun because these things just don’t exist on any cruise anywhere in the world ever. Maybe cruises are so fucking boring that any ‘real’ footage would make people immediately set themselves on fire. Nah, that can’t be it, can it? Ad men never do that sort of thing.

* I say near perfect as the odd dangle-berry has been known to escape when I blast out a supertrump…

DFS – I think it stands for Don’t Fork-out-for-this Shit

Now I know that having a go at a DFS advert is less like shooting fish in a barrel and more like cluster-bombing a fish bowl, but as Peter Griffin says, this one particularly grinds my gears…

“They wanted something stylish and modern”, but instead they went for a sofa which looks like it wouldn’t be out of place in the window of an Amsterdam brothel with a 60 year old tranny getting fucked by a horse on it (too much? Too much). They’re hideous! But the bit that is just so anti-social it deserves an ASBO is the bit when she says “you want a sofabed now but don’t want to pay for a year? Not a problem”. Not a problem!?? It’s one of the main fucking reasons this country is neck deep in hippo shit. If people can’t afford something then encouraging them to buy it anyway it worse than irresponsible, it’s fucking dangerous. At least on the advert it is anyway, I mean at least try and ascertain the buyer’s mental state first. Although if they want a sofa from DFS then they’re probably as mad as a box of Peruvian Fighting toads that has been thrown into a fire.

Bank adverts – anagram of PURE EVIL (give or take a few letters)

So yet another bank advert getting on my wick. Hardly surprising you might say, but this one is particularly and utterly whack. I’ll let you judge for yourself. Here it is. Now I’ll wait a second to let you digest that (that is, if it is your normal custom to indulge in coprophagia).

Where to start? Well, first off, I like to say a big well done to Halifax for taking heed of a previous post, and using ‘normal’ looking people (re fugly bastards). However, this is where the kudos for this festering pile of dead animals end (if indeed I was being serious with that ‘well done’ which I wasn’t). First of all, £5 per £1000 is a rate of 0.05%, which is utter insulting at the best of times, but celebrating it is like Halifax pissing in your face and then smearing the knob cheese all over your nose. Then, there’s the RIDICULOUS dialogue. “I’m calling from space, so it’ the highest 5 ever”. Shut up you fucking fuck. Take that bin off your head and insert it in your balloon knot. Third, the use of ‘Gold’ by Spandeau Ballet. Gold? Oh, because it’s to do with money and wealth! Of course! And because it’s like a gift from you to us! Oh of course, yes! How clever! Not only has that song been flogged to death like a crack whore at one of Max Mosley’s ‘get togethers’, but it is a shit song too. That’s not opinion that is musical FACT. Fourth (bored yet?), the campness at which people go around high-fiving each other is tantamount to being criminally immoral. It looks like they redirected a sunshine happy special bus into the studio, slapped suits on each of them, and told them the first person to clap properly gets a lollipop, and then started filming.

Banks need to stop trying to get across the fact that they are there to help us. NatWest and Halifax are probably the worst culprits at this. Banks are institutions that are founded, run and managed by the bastard offspring of Lucipher himself, and they will always try to squirm into our consciousness by dressing up like one of us. Beware, they are ALL EVIL. All of them. You have been warned!

Grey-haired, dubbed losers

This has got to be one of the worst adverts ever to be shat out of a ad man/coke-fiend’s anus. I appreciate that Just For Men probably don’t have the biggest advertising budget ever but surely they can come up with something better than this piece of malodorous, contrite, nonsensical rhino shit. I mean, dubbed adverts are a curious breed at the best of times. Why do they think that American accents aren’t suitable for UK audiences? We listen to them all the time in those useless wastes of money they call dramas so why not adverts? Sorry, commercials. Dubbing just adds another glaze of feces to an already whiffy object.

And then there’s the fact that they try to add a heart-warming, moment of family love by showing us the fact that he did indeed get the job, and he’s is going to need more ties! Oh, the hilarity! What a great narrative it is, the suspense of a job interview, and drama of hair-dying, and the final rousing moment of unbridled ecstasy that had me wiping away a torrent of salty liquid from my…. eyes, yeah my eyes. There is absolutely no need for that bit at the end other than an callous attempt at what some have called ’sentiment porn’. Ludicrous stuff.

And another thing. Grey haired men. Apparently, according to this company, you are all dead-beat losers who can’t get a job and are incapable of looking after your chubby-looking daughter. The only thing that will sort you out is a bottle of Just For Men. Oh, and a tie. And a complete lack of any personality and charisma it would seem too. So, yeah, you grey-haired men best crawl back under that fucking rock you came from with all those bald cunts and don’t come out until you have properly coloured hair. Only then will you be acceptable to society.

Just For Men? Just For Twats.

Confused? You bet I am

One day, there will be a comparison site that compares comparison sites, but until then, we have confused.com. I’m sure there are people out there who genuinely believe that people in adverts can just be plucked off the street but these people are generally those who believe that the boogie man lives under your bed, the Simpsons’ new episodes are still funny and that Heroes is a brilliantly-acted, cleverly written, fantastically-shot piece of original TV drama. I mean, just have a look at this:

First of, if they’re a real family, then I’m an uncle fucker that fucks my uncle all day long. And this kind of forced sincerity is cringe-worthy and the fact that they expect us to believe that people are really that excited about buying car insurance is just fucking ludicrous. Let’s make one thing clear – when you BUY something you are not SAVING anything – SAVING something is putting it the SAVINGS account. It’s like when it says at the bottom of the reciept from the supermarket that you ’saved’ £4.52. Well, that’s not true because if bottles of Coke weren’t 3 for 2 then I wouldn’t have bought the 3rd one, I’d have probably only bought one. So, really, I’ve not saved anything, I’ve lost an extra £1.22. Granted these comparison sites allow you to choose between different insurance companies and so you can stop yourself buying a more expensive on, but to say that you are ’saving’ money is one great big fucking lie.

I’m torn between whether this kind of ‘reality’ advertising is just shit or crafty (but still shit). “The little slider thing to change the excess” or “it’s easy” or “it’s so easy” or “it’s really easy” are just a few of the comments that the brilliant script writers have come up with. And what is with that fucking badly-drawn dog going “tada!” in a voice that would make Prince wince? Making the advert all cutesy-wutsey by adding that and a retarded goth-like cunt drawing a smiley face on his palm is noting short of insulting.

Comparison site advertising, I’ve decided, is the biggest paradox since I discovered Coleen Rooney gets paid to do her ‘I’d rather rub shit in my eyes’ TV shows – why does a service that is specifically designed to give the consumer a wider, independent choice of goods and services, try and persuade you to use it’s service? If the idea is to get the consumer the cheapest deal possible, then surely they should say use our comparison site in conjunction with others. Also, it’s seems insurance companies are advertising the fact that they are NOT on these sites (Aviva and DirectLine come to mind). Basically, it’s advertising for advertising’s sake. They’re in effect stealing 25 seconds of your life and spitting it back in your face with added phlem and obese singing spaktards. Fuck ‘em.

We are all equal, but some are more equal than others….

First of all, apologies for the absence, but I don’t suppose any of you really care that much.

Have you seen that latest iPod advert for the new Nano? If you see it, press mute as quickly as you can.

Look at it, just look at it!!! Does the Ad agency in charge of Apple’s stomach-churning guff seriously think that people enjoy this sort jumped up High-School-Musical-on-crack garbage? The worse thing about it has to be the forced diversity of the whole thing. “Look, blacks, Chinese, Asians and Caucasians all love the iPod Nano!” Well that maybe so, but you can still have black, Chinese, Asian and Caucasian twats; just make them dance like they’ve had electro-shock therapy, simple.

Ad agencies are so keen to highlight diversity that they end up making the same mistakes all over again. Despite dressing them up in yellow, grey, purple or vomit orange, they still ALL LOOK THE FUCKING SAME. They’re the same kind of “bohemian” cunt you find ‘reading’ a J.G.Ballard book on the train just so they look intelligent, or ordering an expresso in a cafe in Camdem but never drinking it – doesn’t matter what race you are, as long as you’re young, hip and beautiful.

Take this Gillete advert for example. “Millions of men trust Gillette”? The montage of ‘men’ (and for that matter the creepy women coming up behind him) consists only of chiseled, rugged, statuesque adonises of men, the kind that if you saw in a bar with your girlfriend, you’d leave very quickly. I’m sure fat, ugly bald men with more body hair than Martine McCuchon buy Gillette razors too, but Gillette don’t want YOU to know that, do they?

Advertising does what it has to do and clearly beautiful ‘cool’ young people sell more clothes, gadgets and dildos than ugly fat disfigured people do, but to foreshadow one ‘type’ of diversity for ‘another’ is still making the same mistakes. Keeping the Gillette theme, just look at the infamous ‘trio’. Look at the excellence they ooze and the racial diversity of them! Aren’t we all great!? Well, no. One of them is a womanising pervert who can’t keep his cock inside his pants and whose motto appears to be “two’s company, but three’s a fuck load of fun”; the other is a cheating self-righteous ball-bag who had the opportunity to claw back some of football’s integrity but chose a life time of abuse and leprechaun-curses, and other, well, the other is ok for the moment, but given the Gillette curse, he’ll be outed as pedo before too long.

Worst slogans ever

Advertising slogans. Why do companies think they need them? Do they think that we’ll remember them more? And putting them to stupid jingles as well!?? Stop it! Now! Here are some of the truly despicable and downright shit ones….

1. McDonalds – ‘I’m Lovin’ it’. Loving what? Stuffing your face with a years supply of salt in one go, with enough saturated fats to bring down Godzilla? Yeah, I fucking love doing that I do.

2. Red Bull – ‘Gives you wings’. No, it gives you epilepsy.

3. Argos – ‘Don’t shop for it, Argos it’. You mean, don’t bother going down to a normal shop and buying something that you can touch before hand. Instead, why don’t you find something out of a shitty catalogue, do the stock check yourself, go to one till, then to another, wait for fucking ages with toothless teenagers and ranting geriatrics and get something that falls apart in 5 minutes. Yeah, I’ll do that. See Michael McIntyre’s take on them – brilliant.

4. Vodafone – ‘Make the most of now’. Translates as “don’t bother using any common sense, just do it NOW! Fuck the consequences, spend money NOW! Get on your phone NOW!!”

5. Moet Champagne – ‘Be Fabulous’. Drink our champagne and feel like a celebrity! You’ll look ever so sexy and cool and guys will luuurve you. And then take advantage of you. Then do you like a tramp in the back alley.

6. Tesco – ‘Every little helps’. That’s right, keep spending your money at our stores. Every little pound you spend takes us closer to world domination. MWAHAHAHAAAA! (Time Trumpet’s take on this is superb).

7. Ninetendo DS – ‘Touching is Good‘. Er… are you sure…..?

8. Stella Artois – ‘Reassuringly expensive’ – Bollocks. I saw 6 bottles for £1 for sale down CostMart.

9. Always – ‘Have a happy period’. Seriously? The second biggest oxymoron is history. The first is ‘The Best of Boy George’.

10. The worst one ever: Zurich – ‘Because change happenz‘. I don’t even know where to begin with this one. Forget the crappy z at the end which is the most puerile and pathetic attempt at association and belongs in the exercise book of a 7-year-old’s ‘my first branding’ project; but ‘change happens’?? Are you shitting me? What else is it going to do? Everything ‘happens’ doesn’t it? They might of well just said ‘nothing is nothing’, or ‘do do do, da da da’ or some other tautology of equal nonsense. Whoever thought of that line was either high as a Dutch bellringer or as stupid as Forest Gump and Paris Hilton’s love child.

Any others which I’ve missed which also deserve to be ousted?